A Wash of Goodness

In the Night
 

Dreaming of the highest pinnacle of a telescope

Tending it with my new boss

Precisely tuning it for our clients

So delicate to strike it just right

 

And even earlier in the night

A dream of being hunted by something from within

Some distortion incessantly arising to pursue

An infiltration of hatred and fear

Then the masses honed down to the solitary figure or group here and there

Descending, each accompanied by a pure white creature

 

Then waking, there on that needle-like pinnacle

Dialing in the endlessly dazzling array of space

Boundlessness

A wide sweep of humbleness

To appreciate I am that

Such a combination: the silent glory across the luminous heavens

And we tiny humans trying to see, aching to see

Trying to satisfy the demanding client within us all

 

As the tiny figure falls from the peak

The slide, the swoop, a slight breeze

Disappearing over the edge

The gasp

 

Liquid essence flows through me

Liquefying any remaining ego

The smooth shock of it like swallowing cognac

A burning soothing, a guide dancing

 

Asking

What do I need to see here?

As the flowing bliss permeates and stretches consciousness

What is this?

And the answer so strong in a porous heart

 

A shimmering wash of silver and gold flashing

The slam of delicately acute understanding

Knowing we are both

A human fallen from the peak

And the almost unbearable exquisitude of the entirety of all that is, both

Especially and always amid the tears

 

A Wash of Goodness—July 2017

A Wash of Goodness—July 2017

Surrender

 
 

      The feeling of surrender

is

      b

 e

    i

n

 g

   suspended,

 and softly interpenetrated with support

and grace.

 
 

Resolution of the Rejecting Object Relation

A Melting Resolution 16x20 Dec 2016

 

The inner space broadens

A dark screen on which understanding plays

The openness arching away till it is no longer perceptible

A hum of blue in the black depths

 

A still pool of grace emerges

Aware of my consciousness as that

No edges but contained within

Liquid warmness within the cool dark emptiness of the endless

 

I watch as identification transfers from self

To grace

And, as grace, melting into endlessness

Silent, deep, suspended

 

Aware of moving along the perceptual continuum

Looking back and seeing the forms

From where awareness takes no form

Yet being the forms, too, within the space

Feeling the knowing that forms are simply forms

Formed from the formlessness

The same thing

 

Looking up to the right, high above on a solid spot

A distant figure

The idealized self-created father image

Whom I desired so to please

Whose love I begged

And who I perceived as the source of grace

 

He is a tool of the super-ego

Having me do his will

To maintain the relative position of two

Aware of the resolution of the rejecting object relation

As the figure slides downward

Slipping shapelessly into the black depths

Loving grace expands

 

There, too, in the dark cavern below, almost invisible, is the beast

An amalgamation of writhing, twisted form

Like chameleon poop

Anti-grace

Smoothness subsumes it

 

Loving light amasses

Arising as a perception of the expanse

The expanse perceiving itself as that luminosity

Infusing, suffusing, permeating

Pervasive grace

All in a drop

All the while, this “trace of casey” marks the spot

There Is No Chasm

Leaping into the Abyss 20x16

Facing the vast emptiness

Energy amassing in my chest

Thoughts and ideas flying

Standing here on the edge of the abyss

 

All the things I project onto that clear expanse

All the contrivances of conviction

All the fillers so I cannot see

Fear of aloneness, of non-existence

 

What keeps me here?

Teetering, holding on for dear life

Imagining a swan dive down into an unknown eternity

Gathering my courage

 

And so I jump

And immediately realize the support is within me, around me, throughout me so thoroughly there is no longer any me, no longer anything but a certain amness

Holding my sides as I guffaw

There is no chasm

 

The amness is Beingness

And the Beingness, at this moment, is support

And in floods my heart’s desire

The awake love, welcome belonging, inherent goodness

That feeling of the Beloved’s arms around me

Then looking down to see the arms are my own

 

Now how the presence slides down, quiet

A happy god’s belly

Golden and strong, wide and daily-like

 

And it strikes me: the support of our work today

For which I am infinitely grateful

A Perspective from Emptiness (Nov 2014)

This emptiness stretches wide

So wide of possibilities

And emerging into that is a dance of consciousness

Consciousness aware of consciousness

But no sense of casey centralized somewhere

Emptiness is empty of everything except consciousness

And even then consciousness is just the emptiness

Infinite consciousness

The words are just shapes

Only the isness exists

And it only is

When I look back, there is only emptiness

The Return (Sept 2014)

The Return (#2) 16x20 Sept 2014

The Return (#2) 16x20 Sept 2014

She first noticed something was missing

Without really knowing what

An empty gnawing that felt like an invisible hunger

Lying beneath her life in the shadows

Loneliness most obvious in times of distress

Though mostly hidden in her unconscious

 

The Return 20x16 August 2014

The Return 20x16 August 2014

The dark purple shadows tracing across her motions

The slant ever so slightly off

Until one day

A cataclysmic burst of white hot

Laid it all bare, raw, almost incomprehensible

 

Working with her burdens

Blind trust in the process at first

And as understanding grew

Small worn spots appeared in the gossamer folds

White smudges awash in the violet sweep

And she rejoiced

 

And so it goes on

The questions and answers

The rhythm of the day moving along

Faith no longer blind

Love, trust, and curiosity

 

The biggest question for her now

How to live this understanding

Bring it home so to speak

How to let it color her life

So that she may rejoice again and again

As each moment appears

LavenderMoon Balm (July 2013)

Lavender Moon Balm--July 2013 20x16

Lavender Moon Balm--July 2013 20x16

Here in the heart of my belly

There is room for balm

Strength in the softness

Love in the support

 

Purple and lavender, black and silver

Taking the gravity off my body in thrilling swoops

A silver fulcrum

Balance and lever both

 

In the soothing nourishment of this soft light

There beats an impulse toward freedom

And freedom in the impulse

Both

Transparency (July 2013)

A wide soft deep heart

A pillow for the soul

The exquisiteness so close

Right here

 

Softness swells in response to the call

An arising of love

To know myself as this

Right here

 

How does that impact my body?

Tears, throat spacious

Settled, soft, true

Knowing it’s all okay

 

A knowing in my heart

A certain resilient texture tells me so

The texture of truth here in this moment

Clean, squeaky almost, a solid soft certainty

 

A smile lifts my mouth

As if realness is a secret I have ascertained

The elixir softly sweet, a drop from a honeysuckle blossom

Delicate and pure, recognizable deep in my soul

 

Sliding down my throat

Melting it into only the barest essence of sweetness

An unending space within

Permeated by this solitary drop

 

What does the drop do to my structures?

Melting the coating around my heart

Melting the cotton batting that cloaks my nakedness

         And buffers my vulnerabilities

 

So that I may feel the coolness blowing through

Reveling in the fresh touch along my clavicle

The unimpeded unfolding within my chest

Freedom—a droplet of clear dew—ever-expanding

Transparent Expression--July 2013 16x20

Transparent Expression--July 2013 16x20

A Vivid Blue Abyss (August 2011)

A Vivid Blue Abyss--16x20 August 2011

A Vivid Blue Abyss--16x20 August 2011

Standing, forlorn on the edge of a cliff

Frightened and alone

Buffeted by strong chill winds

The eerie blue stretching out endlessly below

 

The jagged black bulk thrusts upward

A seemingly insurmountable pile

Deeply rooted in obscurities and delusions

An exhausting climb up through the jumble

 

And then a leap of trust into the unknown

As a silhouette of color separates from the black form

Shimmering as it rides the current toward infinity

A last glimmer as it dissolves into the blue

Something Dark Looms (June 2011)

Something Dark Looming--30x24 June 2011

Something Dark Looming--30x24 June 2011

Something looms

Disguised as an umbrella, perhaps as father or mother

Has me believe I’m small and helpless

Or a separate being cut off from the world

Although I’m no longer a child

 

Offers me a soft sling in which to nestle

Here, let me take care of you

Swathes me in layers to protect me

And the promise of sleep to muffle any pain

 

So comfortable I don’t notice the bindings

As the cost of comfort

The steely wires stretching into a miasmic web

The minute anchor points riddling my body

Until I wake

And begin to sort through the ties

 

Something still looms

Something dark hovers near my pearling heart

Hiding there just beyond my ken

Oozing dread from just below my awareness

The tensile strength almost overwhelming

 

And so, what began as waltzing with god within myself

Has become a battle to free my soul from the looming dread

A battle often waged in molasses

With gaping wounds and dark holes

Through which I surrender and sink

Into the truth of myself

Flashes of Brilliant Vividness (April 2011)

What compels this body?

The eye etchings

And colors, shapes dazzling

Flashes of brilliant vividness

 

The flood of stillness

Concentrated serenity flowing down

Impetus of the creative process

Manifesting on the screen of my mind

 

Chest expanding to hold the universe of possibilities

Eye movement tapping into them

Flashes of brilliant vividness

As a blue jewel pierces my forehead

 

Able to perceive the interwoven field

Emanating from my inner nature

The delicate beauty

Revealed from its cocoon

 

The preciousness I am

Spreading forth

Interwoven with strength and confidence

Interlaced with nothingness

Flashes of brilliant vividness

As a blue jewel pierces my eye

Morning by the Creek (No. 2)--(March 2011)

Morning by the Creek No. 2 --30x24 March 2011  

Morning by the Creek No. 2 --30x24 March 2011

 

The slant of early light

Strikes a chord in me

So that I feel the thrum of it

In my inner ear

Tickling my tympanic membrane

 

Wake up, beloved, wake up

Feather light

 

Stretch languorously

Surrounded in warmth

Watching the mists clear away

Revealing me

In the golden light

Early (February 2011)

Early--16x20 Feb 2011

Early--16x20 Feb 2011

There is a place in my heart

Quiet lies gently there

The glow soft

As serenity in the coming light

 

There is a place in my soul

Kindness resides in the mist

Spreading over the ground

A soothing flow

 

There is a place in my mind

Where all the subtleties hide

Emerging as the mist lifts

Giving me courage to explore

 

There is a place in my body

Overflowing with love and appreciation

Spilling out to kiss each cheek

With butterflies

 

There is a place in my life

Welcome

There is No Place to Fall (June 2013)

Staring down into a chasm

Filled with my deepest inadequacies

       and all the uncertainties of the world

So scared of falling

       and ceasing to exist

Yet so willing to leap

 

I suddenly realize

There is no place to fall

There is no place to fall because

I am both the ground and the fall

Dance of the Silver Filigree (June 2013)

Dance of the Silver Filigree--June 2013 12x6

Dance of the Silver Filigree--June 2013 12x6

White vastness stretches wide within me

Absorbing everything

Expressing it all in the form of ground

White ground that holds infinity in its melting distinction

 

And across this I dance 

A multitude of faces

Fashioned of shiny, eradiating silver

Facets created at joints and runs

The filigree delicately wrought

Yet exceptionally strong

And effortlessly tensile
 

There is nothing I need do

Except dance

Dance as the wellspring of form

Infinitude Suspended (June 2013)

Infinitude Suspended--June 2013 22x18
Infinitude Suspended--June 2013 22x18

An infinitesimally still infinitude

Extending for millions of eons

Beyond any reach of mind or measure

Suspended here

 

Consciousness not localized

Infinitude suspended

A seemingly impenetrable mystery

That I can explore just by being the exploration

 

Infinitude suspended

Motionless

Looking back at casey

Through her own eyes

She’s infinitely beautiful

 

All the qualities of a heart at home

Burst in

Permeating the infinitude

With golden light, warmth, and love

Boundless love

 

The warmth becomes imbued with certainty

Sliding back into infinitude

Consciousness knowing itself

Recognizing the unfolding casey

As itself

Casey knowing herself

As it